early morning missings

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i had a nightmare a couple hours ago and couldn’t get back to sleep. it’s 630AM and still dark outside. they just called the prayers a little while ago. steve is snoring away. what is it about browsing through myspace that can be so comforting? looking at friends pages and their friend’s pages, finding people i haven’t seen in years looking so happy and beautiful. for someone with no concrete roots to a place, i continue to feel my roots growing back as i see those who i grew up with for a time and i get another chance to see what they are doing, what they have done and remember they are still out and about wandering the planet.

these last couple weeks have been me focusing on being positive, even though i have gone up and down with the excersise. the only news i have been able to follow with any consistency is the madonna adoption nonsense. i don’t know what’s going on with the election, or north korea, nada. it is refreshing in its own way to take a break from being so informed. especially since there is enough going on in my head and what are most likely phantom pains throughout my body these days.

for those who don’t know, on the 28th of october it will be 6 years since my dear friend wendy soltero was murdered in a car jacking that took place in hollywood. tamarind and sunset to be exact. i was with her when she was killed, i testified against her murderers and i miss her so much. this is why the months surrounding her death are so difficult for me and all of those who knew her. her death is something i will never get over, but i am learning to live with it and i know wendy would have wanted me to go back to living and enjoying life a whole lot sooner, but i have been doing my best and she knows that.

i used to feel her around so much and then a few years ago not really at all. i get the feeling that she has crossed over but she still comes back in her angel form to visit. not really to visit but to leave messages and signs, more like it. there have been some strange synchronicities with things around me that i feel were left for me by her. on some level that makes it easier and on another level it makes it so much harder. when i woke up from the nightmare i began to think about wendy and all these years of friendship that we would have had if she hadn’t been taken away. her photo would be smiling out from mine and so many other people’s top 8s. i would have silly poems entitled ‘ode to sezin #204’ on my comments page. i probably would still be in america, i would have gone to grad school. a whole other life. a whole other sezin i feel i would have been. i don’t know what to think about that.

i do know that i still suffer from survivor’s guilt, and that is something that wendy does not like me to feel at all. wendy loved her life so much and lived it with zeal enough for half the world. wendy was overwhelming in her love of life and even now i don’t feel i have done enough to honour the gift of so many second chances i have received in this life.

but then, i step back and look at my life like an eagle would see it. grampa tony always used to say that if things look a big mess right in front of you, fly above it like an eagle and see it with the eyes of The Creator to put it into perspective. my life when seen from above is something wendy would have loved. i lived in berkeley, i lived in geneva, i moved to france then spain and now turkey. i travelled to germany, to holland, south dakota, paris, portland, seattle. i participated in the world economic forum, i was a freelance writer at the UN and worked with amazing people. i was taken under the wings of various spiritual leaders and activists from the lakota people, the maori, australian aboriginal, navajo, dene, all over the world. i wrote articles and stories that were read by thousands of people on a daily basis. i fell in love and out of love with various beautiful people. i found my true love and got married in the span of like 3 months. there has been so much i have done that wendy would love and respect, the thing missing is the intention with which i have accomplished all of these things. very little of it has been done with a mind geared towards enjoying my life and taking pleasure in these adventures. i’ve just been floating along without really being inside my life and this is the thing that i need most to work on.

it still doesn’t change how much i miss you, wendy. how much i will always miss you. say hi to river for me. i love you, girl.

Thoughts?