Just because I keep moving (countries) does not mean I am moving forward.
Category Archives: Wendy
Self-Preservation
Approaching the eleven-year memorial of Wendy Soltero’s murder and my self-preservation instinct finally kicks in.
Body Memory
After years of healing, why does the body remember a painful day before the mind catches up?
Your Personal Message
If I had an audience of 1 million, this is what I would say. Day 10 of the Emerson “Self-Reliance” project.
One Strong Belief
An exploration of my pantheistic beliefs. Day 3 of the Emerson “Self-Reliance” project.
A Love Letter To Grief
Approaching the ten-year memorial of my dear friend Wendy’s murder and I am struggling, still, to process the event and all the time that has passed.
Remnants
The looming memorial of the September 11, 2001 tragedy has me thinking about things left behind.
A Love Letter To Beloved Dead
My friend Catherine’s amazing expat+HAREM post “Death at a distance”, one of the most powerful essays I have ever read, has left me processing a great deal of unresolved grief.
The Healing Power of Horror
From MARTYRS to AMERICAN MONSTERS to psychological methods of trauma healing to Toni Morrison’s Beloved to Cold Case while discussing the healing powers of horror stories. (But no Lady Gaga this time 
On Angels, Demons and Living Paradoxically
My friend Vesper’s amazing blog post inspires me to consider my thoughts on good, evil and other things in between.
Miep, Myself and Wendy
My reflections on Miep Gies’ death as well as Wendy Soltero’s would-be 32st birthday.
The Bane of Forgiveness
Here in Europe we have this amazing cream called Bepanthen that is phenomenal for healing wounds without any resulting scarring. Doesn’t matter how you got the wound, scrape, burn, but if you use Bepanthen on it you absolutely will not scar. I got to thinking that maybe forgiveness is like that cream. If you don’t…
In Memoriam
Eight years ago two planes flew into New York’s World Trade Centers killing thousands. I remember my then-boyfriend waking me up to tell me what had happened. It was 8am in California and so I laughed at the news, thinking that someone had pulled a Fight Club and destroyed two empty buildings. When he reminded…
The Trauma Fairy
I am pretty sure I’ve discovered a new fairy who has been in my life for some time now. I’m calling her The Trauma Fairy, and my belief is she goes into our minds while we sleep and erases things that are just too awful to remember. One of the more dramatic times she visited…
Forever Isn’t Long Enough (Buffy Season 5, Episode 17; April 17, 2001)
This episode, “Forever”, was even worse than the last one, in terms of the tears spoutage. And look at the dates: It aired almost 2 whole months later. I wasn’t watching it back then, but for the Buffy fans that must’ve sucked. To be left with such a tragic ending and then wait so long…
The Body (Buffy Season 5, Episode 16; Feb 27, 2001)
This was the episode that inspired this blog, and is easily one of the saddest 45 minutes, like, ever. After Wendy’s murder on October 28, 2000, I started to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer religiously. I knew if Wendy were alive she’d still be having weekly Buffy parties at her house and I wanted to…
Your reactions to Heath Ledger’s death
I always felt a strange and strong connection with Heath Ledger. It became even stranger and stronger when I found out that he has almost exactly the same birthday as me. Same day, month, year and almost the same time even. I felt it was some sort of sign. When I found out about five…
Death Of A Young Man
I always felt a strange and strong connection with Heath Ledger. It became even stranger and stronger when I found out that he has almost exactly the same birthday as me. Same day, month, year and almost the same time even. I felt it was some sort of sign. When I found out about five…
To Be Or Not To Be A Vampire
Prague is a demanding city. It gives so much, but it also takes a lot. Energy, life, money. These things exist in abundance here, but they also flow away so quickly. Prague is a vampire’s city. Shrouded in gray for more than three-quarters of the year, it is the perfect place for those who really…
Signs And Wondering
Since Wendy passed away, I have lived my life following signs from the Spirits. Especially during my time at the UN and in Spain it seemed as if every decision I made, the course of each of my days was defined by signs. Signs were everywhere. It got to the point that even people who…
Good Omens, Bad Omens
The year 2008, and so far six months living in Prague. Today is the first day the Sun has broken through the cloud cover and pierced the shield of this vampire city. I haven’t written for ages, and I think it was because my last blog incarnation of The TripWire went stale and my ideas…
Seven Years Of Pain
Last weekend, Steve and I went to see the new Jodie Foster film The Brave One. I’ve been feeling so strangely about my life, Wendy’s death, dealing with violence, that I had mixed feelings about a movie where a woman’s response to trauma is to pick up a gun and begin killing baddies. The mixed…
That Time Of The Year
Seven years ago on October 28 in Hollywood my dear friend Wendy was murdered and died in my arms. She was killed by a 19-year-old gang member who, after my testimony, is serving a life sentence in prison. I can feel it in my spirit and my bones that The Day is approaching, albeit seven…
Adaptation
They say that adaptation is one of nature’s most painful of processes, and for the seasoned traveller, it is no different. After having not only travelled, but lived in many different places, one begins to realise that it is impossible to be the same person everywhere. Behaviours that are acceptable in America are not acceptable…
Familiars
They say that the things we have lost will never be returned to us, but I’m not sure if that’s entirely true. Yes, what is gone cannot itself return but I think aspects of what we have lost come back in many familiar forms. Take my Spirit Guide, Cubby, the wolf-dog who was my companion…
Flashback
After trauma, it is amazing how so many years later what could be considered a really small thing brings back the entire experience. I was just watching the next to last episode of Six Feet Under’s fourth season and David has just been called to go into the police station to identify the man that…
Six Feet Under, an HBO production, 2001-2005
When this show first came out I was in the beginning of dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after the death of my good friend and during that time I could not even hear death related words without falling into PTSD panic attacks and flashbacks to Wendy’s murder. The commercials for this show totally freaked…
In Cold Blood
Before Wendy died, I was against capital punishment for all the open minded liberal wooo rah whatever theories I can’t even remember now, but most importantly because life is sacred and an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. After Wendy’s death, I was filled with such inconsummate rage that I felt…
a love letter to Gwendolyn Wendy-Bird
written on the back of one of the odes you wrote to me in what was blank spaces i painted in pink and green and red a bunch of swirls and palm trees and you flying with your wild curly hair and i write: six years later and the wishing you were here is wishing…
early morning missings
i had a nightmare a couple hours ago and couldn’t get back to sleep. it’s 630AM and still dark outside. they just called the prayers a little while ago. steve is snoring away. what is it about browsing through myspace that can be so comforting? looking at friends pages and their friend’s pages, finding people…
every thorn has its rose
technology has hindered me from posting and maybe it was for the best. september to november are rough times for me, every year since wendy died and i have been feeling a pervasive sadness coupled with the night terrors that come with recurrences of post-traumatic stress disorder. i cannot beleive that it will be 6…
food poisoning, circumcision parties and wentworth miller
though not exactly in that order and not exactly related. that wentworth miller is so HOT right now. wowza. i just went through me first food poisoning in turkey, big step for one new to a country. steve is experiencing his first cold. but it is almost worth it for the amazing food we had…
glibness is a defense
this happened to me last year. i was writing about the UN Commission on Human Rights (which turned out to be the last one, say true) and i realised that i was being extremely glib about very serious things. i forced myself to write an apology to all my readers as my tone and presentation…
los angeles’ memory haunts my reverie
since i don’t always go directly to my friend’s pages to see what’s up and what’s new, i decided to subscribe to everyone’s blog, even if they don’t have a blog i subscribed just in case they are ever to write one. this is fascinating, reading about moments in different people’s lives and adventures all…
an american werewolf in london
i don’t like movies with ghosts. or dead people who rise up and start speaking. after wendy’s death and my ongoing relationship with her and other Spirits, i find it extremely disrespectful to frighten people with such images. it is because of these types of movies that when i mention Spirits and Angels, people get…
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