May 06, 2006
local british election results came through today with a disturbing turn towards conservatism once again. portugal recently elected an ultra-conservative president. switzerland has the most conservative government it has had in 20 years, along with france. spain currently has a socialist government, but with two simultaneous separatist movements in the basque region and catalonia they are expecting a sharp turn towards the ultra conservative soon enough. the head of the CIA resigned today. the merger between fox news and the white house has been completed, as jon stewart has noted with his wry grin.
i used to be a human rights activist. these things used to make my blood boil and i would begin to make lists to myself on what i as an individual could do to assist these troubling turns of fate. sudan, for example. what a fucking mess it is over there, millions of internally displaced people. if women and children leave the refugee camps for firewood for cooking they risk rape and mutilation by rebel forces, which is worth the risk apparently because their male refugee camp counterparts face sure death. so, rape and mutilation become acceptable for survival. normally, i would be online looking for an organization i could join or volunteer for or writing some heartfelt blog entry about the sorry state of the world and why aren’t we doing more.
i don’t want to write that blog anymore. i feel terrible about how things are in the world and i pray as much as i can for everyone who is suffering, and for the leaders who make them suffer. but i don’t have the energy to fight anymore. my soul is tired, i just want rest. i would like a cabin somewhere with a vegetable patch and some pigs. or better yet, a space to be with my husband, to work and earn what we need to survive, do our best and love each other until the end of our days.
i tend to feel that if i am not saving the world then i am a useless human being and i put those that dedicate their lives to the service of others on a pedestal. the truth is, after wendy’s death, i would not be able to work in a refugee camp. my friend kirsten who is a goddess and a buddhist was able to do this for many years, and i have a special place in my heart filled with utmost love and respect for her that she was able to do that. be she too is not without scars. and after speaking with her, as much as i may in theory want to help those on the front lines, i know in my own heart that i would be no help in that regard. i think if i never heard a gunshot again it would be too soon. when i hear a door slam i still jump. sometimes i am startled by the ding of a pop up window that leaves my heart racing and a panic attack at the verge of overtaking me.
today, something occured to me. as i sit and watch the news with my parents for once i feel a calm. this is because of steve. i feel that part of what am here in this life to do, to have done, is to find my one true love. this is enough reason to be in this life. there need not be anything more than this simple thing. i feel i have spent many lives as a warrior, fighting and fighting and dying for what i beleived in. i think this life is my life to enjoy with my true love, to relax for once and just be inside that love all that i can. when i think about dedicating my life to the type of humanitarian work kirsten does i feel a tension, a fear, a panic that rises to fill my eyes with red. when i think about dedicating my life to my true love and all of those who never had this opportunity for whatever reason, i think this is why i am here.
and to write about it, of course.