i need your help, my friend.
i still have days where i wished i could have come with you and i still have these thoughts that this is the easiest thing to do. i have been so sad and disappointed at the realisation of jonathan brandis’ death, in those moments i couldn’t understand why someone so beautiful and talented would take his own life. like river. like michael. well, michael was in a car crash but he ended up there with bad choices. he, like you, is someone who truly went before his time.
oh wendy, why am i here? can you give me a sign? i know you have given me so many signs, you sent me contact with river, and johnny cash! oh, these are blessings. shall i hold on to these spirit contacts, knowing they are special that i am gifted for experiencing them and would not have been able to without your help?
wendy, you love your life. you loved your life. why don’t i love mine? and why does this sadness overtake me when i see the sun set or argue or fall in love? shouldn’t these things make me happy to be alive? shouldn’t they fill me with joy? joy at this life, at the beauty that surrounds me. i can’t shake this sadness, wendy. this melancholy haunts me bitterly. it has grabbed my heart in the shape of a snapping turtle and it will not let go. what is wrong with me? dr. kinsey says there is nothing wrong with anyone, everyone is unique. like foucault, he says there is no such thing as normal. but i feel that something is inherently wrong inside. my mother says i am holding onto something painful and i will not let go. every time i fall apart this mysterious fog seems to be the root, but i can’t see it.
wendy, can you help me to see it? to face whatever demon it is that haunts me? this demon that leads me down to dark thoughts of wanting to join you and so many others on the Other Side? please, wendy, can you help me? i really need your help. you are the only one. you are the only one who knows. like i was the only one who knew about you.
i need some guidance. i need a revelation. i need some sort of miracle wonder to snap me out of this dark spell. i will wait for your sign. the one thing i have faith in right now is that you will send me one. this is good, that i still have faith. this is why you will be able to help me. this is my last hope. please.
i miss you so much, but you know that already. i feel you everywhere. you have never left me, it’s me that’s left some important part of me.
please be my spirit guide. i need you so desperately.
i love you.
p.s. i talked to your mom just the other day. her health is not so good, but her spirit is strong. god, wendy, we miss you so fucking much, you know? just so much