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on how much HOSTEL sucked and they don’t make scary movies like they used to

hostelsince my ear feels like an evil fairy with a blowtorch lives inside and wants to liquify my brain, i am trying to keep a low profile. an earache is just the worst. i have no appetite, no balance, and occasionally what feels like a nail driving through the side of my head.

which leads me to the movie ‘hostel.’ we stayed in last night to watch it because i have been overdoing it and my ear is just a mess. in fact, the evil fairy could be one of the extras from the film, if i could go so far in saying. now, quentin tarantino is The Man and i thought that his name on a film would make it gold. not true. ‘hostel’ was one of the worst movies i have ever seen, and one of the lamest horror movies to date. they just don’t make scary movies like they used to. if hitchcock or m. night shyamalan had made this film it would have been stylish and so scary not a one of us would ever dare to travel again. well, maybe it’s good then that they didn’t make it. i don’t think people really need another reason to be scared to leave the house, but i find it so sad to see a good horror movie go to waste.

the quality of the film aside, the main action takes place in ‘bratislava,’ slovakia, in quotes because for anyone who knows even the smallest bit about eastern europe, the city in the film was not even remotely bratislava. obviously, and further minus points for the movie and its producers, it was made for the typical geographically ignorant podunk american who would not be able to tell bratislava from barcelona. it reminds me of spielberg filming ‘indiana jones and the temple of doom’ in sri lanka and trying to pass it off as india, even though the natives are all speaking sinhalese and not hindi. i wonder what it would feel like to see the world through such shaded blinders. and may i even go so far as saying that there is a very subtle form of racism at work here that i will not go into at the moment.

as an anthropologist, i did find something about the film culturally telling. it would appear that in american films the european girls are sluts and in european films, american girls are sluts. what is that saying exactly? that easy women never come from ‘home’ but are always foreign? that when stupid boys travel, be they european or american, the common knowledge is that ‘other’ women can generally be treated like prostitutes? when the horror aspect of the movie began, i must admit that i felt very little sympathy for many of the victims. in fact, men who go to prostitutes should be punished, in my view, like in ‘se7en.’ just as rapists should be castrated, period. but sadly, the ‘hero’ of the film was not punished nearly as much as he should have been, or maybe his punishment was surviving and remembering. honestly, i don’t really even care. i felt nothing.

and don’t even get me started on the acting or dialogue, which was worse than a brittany spears movie. jessica simpson is a more convincing actress than the hacks in the film. a horror movie is not made by grotesque overshowing of violent activities that have to date not been seen in film. and bad acting has never helped a scary story, in fact, horror films depend on strong performances, expressive eyes, convincing screams and fear exuding from each character’s pores in order to succeed. a horror movie does not succeed on the spewing of guts alone.

all in all, i found ‘hostel’ to be poorly written, badly acted, and gruesomely gory at best, a sad ending for those of us who love horror films and always hope the next scary movie will be a really good one. i don’t recommend it, unless you feel like being irritated, nauseated, and worstly, disappointed.

One thought on “on how much HOSTEL sucked and they don’t make scary movies like they used to

  1. Hey, a good one. Totally agree…..although there were some scenes….maybe previously filmed clips of Bratislava castle and some streets.

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