you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone is the gift that keeps on giving.
when i lived in france with my parents, backdropped with the jura mountains all fresh air, trees and snow, i enjoyed every moment of it because something told me it would be a long time before i got to live in such a beautiful place again. after 2 years in spain and now going on 2 months in turkey, i had forgotten what it felt like to be around trees and oxygen and nature’s beauty on a regular basis until steve and i went for the weekend to germany for his goddaughter’s christening. the feeling that coursed through my body as we drove through the mountains was not unlike what i felt when driving through the Black Hills or when i would look up at our mountain in france. that feeling of not being alone, being surrounded by God and fairies and magic. as soon as i am back in the city i can feel the difference and there is something vital and fundamental to life missing when one lives in a big city.
visiting germany is very different when one has germans to show you around. they gave me a totally different perspective of the country, like how if you remember that most of germany was bombed during The War you can see the buildings that had enough left to be salvaged and the areas where there was nothing left and was forced to be rebuilt. this was a totally different perspective on the landscape than i ever had, and of course i knew it in my head but somehow the link wasn’t made until marc pointed it out. it was also very interesting to see how marc and his girlfriend, miriam, struggle to reconcile in themselves what happened during the Holocaust. their grandparents were adults at the time and for both marc and miriam they are still trying to understand what kind of madness was going on that allowed them to turn a blind eye to the horrors all around them. it was amazing, really, and again gave me a very different perspective on germans. there is an active seeking to understand what happened and how to make sure the conciousness will never arise again. at least, this is the sense i got from marc and miriam, and it was really beautiful. i had some lovely conversations with them about history, politics, and spirituality which filled a void i have been feeling for some time now and i think i may be okay without at least for a little bit, especially since i can’t make phone calls and our internet connection sucks. oh yes, turkey is ready to join the EU. right.
in fact, while in germany i realised that turkey seems to have taken the worst of both worlds it straddles. it has the most inefficient aspects of asian beurocracy and treatment of women as well as the worst aspects of europe in overly chemicaled food and the lack of organic products. in all honesty, if i was in india or sri lanka i would not be bothered by the fact that they cannot seem to get their act together enough to send someone around to our apartment (which is next door to the school) to fix the phone line and internet connection, to fix the majority of lights in the flat that are broken, to repaint the bathroom ceiling which rains paint chips (surely lead-based) after a shower, and a washing machine that must be pried open with two spoons and a mangled fork. but i am not in india or sri lanka. i am in a country with pretensions of being european and so, like when i was in spain, the utter inefficiency of this place bothers the shit out of me. i don’t know how i will manage for another year.
this wedded to my frustrations with food after having been eating breaded and sugared food for over a month now without realising and having the mother of all infections i have had in a long time, leave me feeling uncomfortable at best, and without anyone’s shoulder for understanding. i turn, like i always do, to stephen king, who has been the only rock in my life aside from my parents. it is strange to realise that of the few things that have been consistent in my life, someone i have never even met in person is one of them. and stranger yet that i was unable to get a copy of his new book in turkey, but had to get it in germany. oh yeah, turkey. you will be a shoo-in to the EU in no time.
forgive my frustration and bitterness. i think maybe when one is living one’s life on the road and no longer wants to, all joy in new places is bled dry. all joy in every place is bled dry. i was reading old emails i sent with my excitement about ‘living my dream in sevilla’ and now, 2 years later, the cynicism and hatred the experience left me with. i feel that since wendy died, i can’t seem to pull myself together long enough for something to work out. i work one stupid job to another, but am unable to get a full-time job that suits all the talents and experience i have to offer. the last time i remember being well and truly happy, peaceful and content was when i began my sojourn at the UN and was writing every day, meeting amazing spiritual leaders and tribal Elders. without a masters or phd, there are just no jobs that i am not either overqualified or underqualified for. i know if i begin teaching english i will only get unhappier in my life, but it is almost getting to the point where i will need to do that. or i will have to make a big change. i am a blind woman wandering aimlessly through life, bouncing around and being led by people because i don’t know and don’t care where i am anymore. is there a cure for this? please tell me there is!
i just don’t know what to do with myself. guidance would be very much appreciated, dear friends. i am at a loss.