Since Wendy passed away, I have lived my life following signs from the Spirits. Especially during my time at the UN and in Spain it seemed as if every decision I made, the course of each of my days was defined by signs. Signs were everywhere. It got to the point that even people who didn’t believe in signs started noticing them too. I felt connected, aware, and even, in a way, special. Like it was one of my gifts or something.
But then once I moved to Istanbul all of that stopped. How could there have been signs when I barely had a half-life in that city? One must be putting oneself out there, into the world, the energetic universe, in order for signs to reveal themselves. It was as if the signs, and the Spirits, had forsaken me. In the concrete and spiritual wasteland that was Istanbul, I stopped believing.
I won’t say that since I’ve been in Prague all that has changed and I am back to the sign-seeking Spirit-talking lady I was a few years ago. Because it’s not true. I lost something precious in Istanbul and those kind of things we lose don’t come back to us. We can replace them with new things, but that part is gone. However, I cannot deny the signs and the Spirits that are awake around me again here. Even though I am not as interested in them, and not searching them out, the signs are unmistakable.
As I write this I am reminded of an Osho meditation where you are to let go of everything. Your dreams, your history, your future, and even your beliefs. You are to make yourself empty for a time, and whatever returns to you is truly yours. I did that once with God and She came back. So, maybe Turkey didn’t take anything from me after all. Maybe being there gave me a space to empty myself out and now bit by bit, six months later, I am realising that the truly important things always come back to us. Maybe not the same way, with the same blind faith, but rather with a knowledge-based awareness. A settled and solid faith that is not a passing fancy or fetish, but an actual living part of the self and indeed belongs here, that’s why it came back. And will always come back.
I wonder if these are the kinds of roots I need to be putting down, instead of being focused on physical stability? Or is it a sign that this process of settling into myself is only possible because someone up there knows I will be here for the long term? That my spirit would never be able to accomplish any of this without somehow knowing I will physically be in this space for the next few years to come. It’s hard to know, but I sure am ready to find out.