Art · Culture · Death · Marriage · Prague

The Story That Needs To Be Written

Sezin Koehler

Day 1 of the #Trust30 Project, inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson’s “Self-Reliance”. Click here for my project archives.

I’ve 15 minutes left to live and suddenly I feel sad. I’ve wanted this moment ever since that girl put a gun to Wendy’s head and pulled the trigger. I’m heartbroken that I have lived the remainder of my life in the shadow of such a horrible moment. Refusing to be in the present, always thinking that things would be easier, better, happier for all involved if I were also marked by a headstone.

In Prague there is a graveyard filled with open graves. My husband joked that I should climb in one for a photo. He never knew that a grave has been the most comfortable of places I could have ever imagined myself.

Not this nomadic life. Not my Third Culture Childhood.

Oh fuck, man, this is grim.

Here’s where I mirror my self from October 28, 2000, begging the woman with a gun in our faces to spare our lives. Please don’t hurt anybody!

Please, please, please, I don’t want to die. I want to finish all these projects I’ve started. I want to take more photos of weird and creepy things and write odd poetry about them. I want to meet Johhny Depp and Tim Burton. My Edward Scissorhands tattoo is not here yet. I want to know what happens to all my American Monsters. From Los Angeles to Prague! And afterwards! What happens!? I need to be here!

And my novel about Marilyn Monroe, how different the world would be if she had been able to whistleblow on the entire Kennedy family!

These are the stories I will tell if I can have some more time.

Please not yet, please don’t put me back in the passenger seat of the car where my life changed irrevocably and I started wishing for the end of my world.

Oh shit, man, it’s fucking here and I don’t want it.

It’s really hard to write through tears. Try it. You have time to do whatever you want. Don’t follow my example. The dwelling on the past, the wishing things could be different, that I don’t deserve this life. I do. I did. You do.

This is the last photograph of me. I’m sitting at my computer. Listening to the soundtrack of Where The Wild Things Are. Arcade Fire. Wake Up. Here I am. Finally awake.

I have 9 minutes before I must say goodbye to this life I grudgingly participated in. From childhood.

Did you know that I never make decisions? I don’t tell anyone this. I just leave things up to The Creator, or Goddesses, stories, fairies, spirits, partners, family. I can’t even remember the last thing that I wanted to do just for me. Not because God or Signs told me to.

Shouldn’t I have at least one of those memories?

Oh please don’t make me beg for moments. I want one of those memories. Just one. I promise if you give me more time I will make not just one, but dozens of those. Please!

Fuck it.

Nevermind.

This is the moment I’ve wanted, waited for ever since Wendy died in my arms, every moment someone I loved betrayed me, my response to every conflict.

Five minutes and counting.

Running through my head is Ripley with Newt in her arms, running against the clock and a monster mama. Tick Tick Tick Tock, Lola with her red hair running to change the past.  Donnie Darko laughing in his bed.

The moment I first saw my husband, the true love of my life. My mother, telling me I am so special and that my place in life is to write. My husband encouraging me publish my first book , supporting me through my hair-tearing frustration, my screams, holding me on the anniversary of Wendy’s death. Five years, my husband, my rock, the one I fear I never did everything I ever could have done for.

Steve, I love you so much. You and your farts and Jackass and holding your hand and cuddles and tattoos and coming home drunk sharing the iPod listening to MGMT and being so in love and you never gave up on me and you stayed through everything I love you I love you I love you  I love you.

15 thoughts on “The Story That Needs To Be Written”

  1. I’m in tears. This is exactly why you NEED to write. Your words touch others, they have a magnificent power. You have an incredible gift. I needed to read this because this is where I am, so afraid to live, holding on to the belief that it should have been me!
    I love you Sezin!!! You have beautiful things to share with the world, to help the world. I hope I get to meet Steve one day too!
    Thank you for sharing.
    xoxoxoxo

    1. My Abra,

      Thank you for reading and crying along. I know we will be forever marked by that night, but we have to find ways to live our lives to the fullest. We *are* still here, and you have three of the most beautiful girls in the world to show for it! I also hope one day you will meet Steve and I will get to meet Mike, Bayla, Talyn and Keira. There is another point in our spiral of connections that needs to be fulfilled, and I know it will happen. I hope it will be sooner rather than later.

      I’m so so so so so glad this could help you, too. And thank you for the encouragement. I keep it close to my heart and I will not forget.

      I love you, Abra.

      xoxo
      Sezin

  2. My Sister Zuzu, I’m breathless. In this brave piece, you’ve illuminated a similar struggle someone very close to me is having, a depression that is blocking the sun from my life as well. But thanks to you, I now have a different perspective. That’s priceless. Thank you.

    Sezin, the world needs more warriors like you! Can’t wait to read your Marilyn book…XO

    1. Thank you, Catherine. I’m so glad I could help. This piece really helped me too and I am finally ready to embrace my life. During a chat with Anastasia I realised that my Marilyn story could totally fit under the “American Monsters” umbrella: American Monsters in Washington D.C. Now for the strength and determination to finish American Monsters in Los Angeles and Prague. *Deep breath* Lots of love to you, my sister. xoxo

  3. Thanks for sharing this, 15-minute-Zuzu!

    With the influences you mention here I can appreciate the pull of horror and darkness, and a surrender to other-worldly guidance. To me you are a warrior princess. Third Culture, Fourth Dimension. Fierce in your aliveness. xo

    1. Wow, thank you, Anastasia. It was really strange that those were the images running through my head.

      After writing this piece, I realised how much I really want to live, and so now begins the work of adjusting 11 years of a death-oriented mindset. Good thing I’m a warrior princess. 😉 xoxo

  5. Now there is an example of bravery if I ever saw one. Gorgeous Girl Zulu Dear, you are one fine specimen! Don’ot ever not write.
    S

    1. Thank you, Silvana. Yes, I will keep writing. Love love love xoxo Zuzu Zulu Warrior

  7. Zuzu, Girl, I’m so glad you took the Waldo Emerson challenge and wrote from your heart about your there’s-no-future outlook on life. So saddened about the horrific experience you had, about you reliving those last moments with Wendy. My dear heart, keep on writing, your mama is right, your darling Steve your rock on your side, the friends you know who have your back, we’re all waiting for more, more, more, more! Do you hear that? More from Sezin, more from Zuzu. Brave Girl, Brave Heart, Brave Woman!♡♡♡

    1. Thank you, my hybrid-sister-friend Ju, thank you thank you. I love you so much. xoxo

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