Health · Repatria · Third Culture Kids · Trauma · Wendy

Stand Your Ground

Saturn, from “Prometheus”.

Saturn has been on my mind, and not just because I’m still haunted by Ridley Scott’s brilliant Prometheus. In astrology, Saturn is the planet that forces you to balance your ego with those of others around you. It’s the one who forces you to deal with interpersonal imbalances, reciprocity, and boundaries. The more you try to avoid Saturn’s influence the more the planet gets in your face, forcing you to confront and conquer whatever energy is out of whack.

This is a planet whose powers I’ve always struggled with, and in fact I’ve used trauma as an excuse to not address the messages Saturn has been sending me.

In April, when visiting my friend Kiri in Colorado, I saw an amazing healer who unblocked a major barrier to my healing. It was like I had this soul wound and it was totally healed on the surface, scar and all. But underneath it was still full of pus and shit and was totally fucking infected. And I had no idea. I suspected, but without a healer’s help I never would have been able to conquer that disaster alone. She helped me rip that spiritual flesh off so all the mess could drain out. It hurt so bad. I had to go back to the night that Wendy died and process the event differently. At the end of my healing session her home was filled with the sounds of my wailing. And when I was done I had literally lost weight. Finally, that wound can heal properly.

In the weeks since, and for the first time ever in my life, I’m actually filled with self-esteem. Crazy how a healing that was twelve years in the making — and not until I’m 33 years old — is what prompts the development of this very necessary quality for healthy survival.

So Saturn, in the meantime, has stepped up, putting me in situation after situation in which I realize where it is exactly that I stand with myself and where I stand in relation to a variety of external sources.

Also for the first time in my life, when I realize that I’m not being treated as I should be or I value something more than it values me, I address it and then let it go. I reposition myself accordingly. Life is too short to avoid Saturn, pretend that everything you want to be reciprocal is when it’s not always the case.

The nuttiest part is that I don’t feel sad about these releases. I’ve spent so much of my life clinging to people, places, just to not have to lose them. This is a Third Culture Kid thing, but it’s also a trauma thing. An irrational desire to hold on even when the holding becomes poisonous.

Suddenly, I find my hand linked with Saturn’s (who, personified, I can’t help but imagine looks like Scott’s Engineers). I’m examining every aspect of my life. I’m testing each bond, each goal, to see if it’s real, if it’s strong, if it’s positive. And if some of these bonds and goals prove to be one-sided on my part, instead of crying and trying to twist myself in half so as not to let go, I smile at Saturn and thank him for illuminating my surroundings. I ask him, “What can we clean out next?”

Shedding all this unnecessary emotional baggage and getting my self in balance with the world around me is like a spiritual orgasm. Pleasurable beyond description.

The irony is not lost on me that I now live in a state that has “stand your ground” laws: With Saturn’s help, Florida has become the place in which I finally learn how to stand for myself. What an unexpected turn of events.

How is Saturn treating you these days?

@2012 Sezin Koehler, image via Starworlds.


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